By: Luke Kilpatrick, Guest Dating Advisor & Speed Dating Host
Disclaimer: Ladies – I know you’ll read this anyway, but this advice is for the guys. I’m going to share some dating tips for men that might go against what you think a guy should do, but this is advice from one man to another. In my personal experience, these tips actually work and you might just like men better if they follow them.
It’s pretty simple: I’ve learned that the basis of any romantic relationship is attraction. Without attraction, it won’t work, regardless of how hard you push, pull or plead. Romantic comedies have trained us to believe that nice guys eventually win in the end and that all a guy has to do is be persistent and patient. In these scenarios, the girl does not necessarily feel a strong attraction to the guy, but eventually gives in because he is so in love with her and good to her. In reality, this is not the start of a healthy or sustainable relationship.
So, how do you make a woman attracted to you?
Trying to change a woman is impossible, just as trying to change anyone is. The actual thing that you should be focused on is you. The truth is, YOU are the only thing that you can control. Often you will get the cliche advice, “Just Be Yourself” which is often given to you by someone that has found you not attractive to them. Just being yourself is a cop out and feel-good way to think that if you do nothing, you will get what you desire. This is not the case; what you should be working on is to be the absolute best version of yourself. This takes work, but when you are rewarded for what you worked for, you value it much more.
Women are attracted to men in a different manner than men are attracted to women. The core of this difference is that men are initially attracted to how a woman looks, and women are often attracted to a man’s status.
What is status?
Status is not just about money; rather, it’s a lifestyle that she wants to be a part of. For a woman to be attracted to you, there must be something about you that she admires, respects, or desires. This can be a lot of things, but the easiest and most visible are leadership, intelligence, confidence, a sense of humor, monetary/job stability, ambition, social standing, political power or any number of things that make you interesting to her. The higher your standing in any one of these categories, the more attractive you will be perceived by her.
How do I increase my status?
Am I calling all women gold diggers? Absolutely not. In my experience, what a woman actually wants is a man she respects as her equal as well as someone that will expand her horizons, keep her intellectually and emotionally stimulated, and perhaps even teach her something new. She wants a confident man that exudes an “I got this” attitude. Women have no problem wanting to “date up” so to get the girl you want, you need to get at or above her level in some way. To do this, you should aim to get a balance of the 3 key areas of life: health, wealth, and love/relationships.
Health: Focusing on your health and leading an active lifestyle will lead to many positive returns, both from a personal standpoint and for your love life. In my own case, I used to be 50 lbs overweight, was stuck in an unhappy marriage, and had a pessimistic outlook on life. While I was doing reasonably well financially, I was absolutely miserable. And then I discovered surfing, which opened up a whole new world for me. I lost the 50 lbs, my sex drive increased, my happiness level skyrocketed, and my overall satisfaction in life shot up. The improvement in my health increased my confidence and helped me develop a great circle of friends with common interests.
My advice is to pick a physical activity that you will enjoy to help you get into (or stay in) shape. While the gym can work, I would also recommend looking for a team sport (i.e. dodgeball, kickball or softball) since participating in group activities are a great way to make new friends, meet new women, and get exercise – talk about killing many birds with one stone!
Wealth: While this can be one of the hardest avenues to change, it ultimately is the most rewarding one in the long run. I have been through several career transitions, and they’re not always easy. As a child, I had a huge interest in the ocean and the natural world, and dreamed of being a marine biologist. However, I also knew that in order to lead the lifestyle that would make me happy, I would need a job that paid substantially well. Eventually, I did the ROI calculation and found that the immense amount of schooling needed to be a marine biologist would result in a relatively low-paying job that would not support my desired lifestyle. So, I decided to translate my passion for the ocean into a hobby (i.e. surfing) and focus my career on other areas of my life that I was interested in (i.e. technology). Today, I’ve chosen a job that both piques my interest in technology but also keeps me financially afloat.
While some people can follow their passions and turn it into a sustainable, stable career, in many cases, it might be better to channel those interests into a hobby. Instead, focus on something that can support a financially stable (or even lucrative) lifestyle, depending on the type of lifestyle that you know will make you happy.
Love/Relationships: This is not about having romantic love, but about filling your life with genuine relationships and love from your friends and family. Maintaining healthy, fulfilling friendships and an active social life outside of your potential mate will make you a more interesting, well-rounded person. Having a large and strong network of people who care about you will also provide you with the confidence to pursue new, romantic relationships because you know you have a great support network to fall back on. You will also have continuous opportunities to be introduced to other interesting singles through the power of your network. So, spend time cultivating and investing in your existing friendships and relationships. Continue to broaden your networks by joining new social activities or intramural sports teams.
There is a lot on this topic that can’t be shared in one blog post, but the key takeaway is this:
To increase the quality of your life, you need to do the work to increase the quality of you.